I’m not sure if this post fits in with my others. It’s not going to be about rich, lustful sex or dirty, filthy thoughts. It’s going to be about an incredible night, and true feelings. & So we begin…

It’s Saturday, March 19 and I get picked up by my friend. We talk, laugh and go out to eat. She decides to take us to this guy’s house to hangout. When we get there, this cute boy opens the door and hugs me, introducing himself. I thought he was cute, but nothing more than that. We spent some time talking amongst the four of us, and watching movies. I hardly paid any attention to him. Something must have happened though because I randomly became interested. By the time we all met back up later in the night, we had decided to go over to another guy’s house to party, drink, and kickit all night. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him during King’s Cup, and when 8 came around, I made him my date….twice. ;) Maybe that was my first move. 

I noticed him looking at me every once in a while, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. At one point, I came out of the bathroom and he was standing there. Something about how he looked at me made me the best kind of nervous. When he came out, he got awfully close and began to make his first move. I didn’t really catch on. I ended up walking away, but I knew he was interested. The second time we met in the bathroom I must have said something about why he was here because he responded to me with a very, very flirty, “That’s not why I came in here.” I had him. I knew it. He was interested, and I knew how far I’d go with him. We exchanged some flirty looks, and eventually everyone wound up outside. 

It was very cold, and it reeked of cigarettes. Some people disappeared, and there was only three of us. The cute boy said something to the other boy, and in a moment he was gone. Now it was just the two of us. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but he got very close to me. He was looking down at me; 6’1 and sexy with a smile that could kill. In an instant, our lips touched. I remember saying only one thing. “You’re bad.” It felt so right yet so wrong - but so, so right. I walked farther to bring us into complete darkness. I was tipsy and we were stumbling. I loved the way he kissed me. I bit him and he bit me back. We went at this for a while, and nonchalantly returned back into the house. No one knew, but I knew and I fucking liked it. I talked about you to two others who were hooking up. They told me that you had wanted to, and I’m thinking, “I already did.” When you came back, we kissed…right in front of them.

Some time went by and we wound up kissing in front of everyone. He laid with me on the love-sac, and this had to be my favorite part of the night. He held me in his arms and kissed me so passionately and so wonderfully. We looked into each other’s eyes and I couldn’t have been happier. It felt so right. He felt so right. It must have been a little after this that we disappeared…

He pulled my hand and dragged me out of the room into the hallway. We found a bedroom, and chose it instantly. We locked the door and threw each other onto the bed. We made out passionately and somehow the clothes started coming off. He wasn’t as big as I thought he’d be, but he was still a nice size. I was more interested in making out with him than anything, but I must have had an urge to go farther. I grabbed his cock and stroked him. Those little moans I heard were such a turn on. I decided I’d go farther, and I slipped below the waistline. I sucked his dick so good, and shoved it in my throat. He grabbed my hair and slammed me into it. It was nice to feel a guy take charge. He was a freak. He even told me, “Suck daddy’s dick!” His cum rushed into my mouth and I swallowed it all. I was nervous he wouldn’t kiss me after, but he sure kissed me. He kissed me with such beauty. I loved the feeling of being in his arms. 

He kept calling me “A Trip” and I definitely take that as a compliment. I was sober at this point and wondered where the night would go. We insulted each other in the funniest way, and played footsies under the table. He held my hand in the sweetest way and I was so happy. Eventually we wound up back in the bedroom, and the door wasn’t locked. I went down again because I wasn’t down to fuck, and surprisingly he couldn’t get me wet. His fingering abilities were absolutely horrible. The cum rushed into my mouth once again, and he began to tell me that it was the absolute best head he’s ever gotten. ;) But I already knew that. 

The night is now in bits and pieces in my memory. I can’t recall the facts very well, especially not the order of them. But I’m trying. We were outside, just the two of us and I was sitting on his lap kissing his amazing lips. We decided it was time to go to sleep. When I asked him where he wanted to sleep, he said, “In the same bed as you. Duh.” I smiled. I must have. We went back into our bedroom, and we laid together. I’ve never felt that comfortable or happy in someone’s arms. We dozed off to sleep. I was worried about the morning, what would it be like? How would he act? Would he remember? He did.

In the morning, I was awakened by an amazing kiss. He held me in his arms and we talked a little. The entire morning, his personality didn’t change. He was still the same amazing, cute guy I remembered.  I told him I’d have to visit him sometime. He wanted me to have his number so he put it in my phone and called himself. I was sad to see him go so I made the most of the last few moments. I got out of the car and held him. He kissed me and held me. I didn’t want to let go. I told him I’d miss him. I looked into his gorgeous eyes and kissed him. I still remember him telling me throughout the night, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you’re not sexy” and at one point I asked, “What if they tell me I’m not cute?” and he simply replied with, “Don’t let them tell you that either. Look at this face.”

He really was amazing, and I was truly sad to see him go. I texted him, “I’ll miss you ;)” and I really did mean it. For the rest of the day I have been in a very weird mood. I didn’t give “it” up to him, but I still feel like he took a part of me away with him. I guess he got me attached, but I’m glad. I put my heart out there, and didn’t say one word that wasn’t true or perform one action that I didn’t want to. I didn’t play any games or act any certain way to make him want me. I just did me, and it turns out that it was enough. Maybe me and him were only for one night, and maybe it’ll happen again when he visits town, or if I ever visit him. Maybe it was something, and maybe it was nothing. It made me happy for two days, and I really couldn’t ask for much more. The beauty of the night couldn’t be described using words, and I guess that’s the beautiful thing about it. 

The memories will fade from my mind, but I’ll always have what I wrote here. All of the bad things that happened are in my mind, and they’ll disappear. (Like the cigarette smell, or the “hoes” calling his phone nonstop, or the whole name thing.) But everything that happened was real and it’s definitely a night to remember. I wonder how long I’ll think about him. I hope he thinks about me too. He calls me babe, and sunshine. He’ll think about me.

At this point, I’d settle for someone I could just hit up to fuck. It wouldn’t have to be anything more than that. I just wanna fuck.

I’m confused right now. I’ll admit that with no hesitation. 

It wasn’t supposed to feel like this. I know that for sure. We decided to see each other again, but only for one thing. Tonight, your hello meant nothing. There was something about your voice that I didn’t like. I felt used the second I arrived. I got what I wanted, but I didn’t like it. You rushed me. You didn’t warm me up. Some parts of tonight felt so right. When you would stroke while leaning down passionately kissing me, or when you would stop everything and hold me for a second. Your sweet smile afterward was great to look at. I loved laying with you after. Our bodies felt so nicely together. There’s something so beautiful about men. We always see pictures of them looking straight ahead, and when we see them in person, they’re standing up and we’re looking at their face straight on. But what’s beautiful about them is the way they look when they’re in your arms. Even a man with no muscle can look defined when he’s in your arms. I melted tonight seeing how you looked in my arms tonight. All I wanted to say was I love you. I love you. I do. 

We fell asleep, and I held you in my arms. You smile occasionally when you sleep. I loved how it felt when you held me. Your goodbye was horrible though. Just like your hello, your goodbye meant nothing. I didn’t even get a kiss. 

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel after tonight. It’s only the first time, but it was definitely not a good start. If your going to have a strictly sex relationship with someone, spend more time on the sexual stuff rather than sleeping and not kissing her. I thought that would be common sense, but you’ve got none of that anyways. I’m just confused.

I know I smell like you now. I don’t mind.

I waited around for hours last night with nothing to do. I get a text around 2 a.m. from an old boyfriend of mine. I drove to go hang out with him at a friend’s house. The conversation was fun. We were openly talking about our sex in front of a friend, and he was bragging about me ;) 

We left the house, just the two of us. He made me drive, and I didn’t know where he was taking me. It didn’t matter though. It was time I got to spend with him, and that’s all that mattered. We went to a spot to look over the city. It was pretty. We opened the sun roof and tilted our chairs back to look up at the stars. We spoke about all kinds of things. It made me miss him. The way he looked in the dim light… I was scratching his head. I know he loves that. 

Being around him made me miss him. His smell, his smile… but nothing more. I love being around him, but that’s basically all it is. I love speaking about all of our fun memories. Sometimes I feel like it would be fun to be back together, but it really wouldn’t. I kinda just wanna fuck around with him;)

The cops pulled up. We were in a trespassing zone. They spoke to us, and I wasn’t really worried. After we left, we drove to drop him at a friends house. We both got out of the car, and the hug he gave me made me smile. :)

I feel so dirty right now ;) We met during winter break. I came to your party, not really knowing it was yours. Your apartment was packed, and I was rolling. Beerpong tables were calling my name, and I soon owned them all. I saw you all night in your dark green shirt. You were fucking hott. I wanted you. I wanted you to come pick me up across town, take me to your house, fuck me, and party with me during spring break when I came down again. You didn’t, and we lost touch. You IM me all the time, but I hardly write back. I never text you when you want me to, but tonight, oh tonight was worth it ;) You texted me, and began flirting. I flirted back, and you were craving more of me. You started sending me pictures, and I made you beg for mine. I sent a few, just a few. You started talking dirty to me, and I soon followed, describing my body to you…and all the things my body could do. I wrote so much to you, and you were saying some dirty things. You tried to call me, but I ignored it. You have to wait for me baby. By the time I finished texting you my sex fantasy, I was soaked. I began fingering myself, contemplating watching porn, or using a vibrator. I resisted, and I called you instead. You said some nasty things to me, and I can’t help but crave more. I want you baby. I can’t wait to fuck you. I think it’s so nice to have some incredible sex to look forward to. You better live up to these expectations baby. I want you to be thick; fulfill my sexual desires.

Here is a place I can let go of what’s inside of me; my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings. Here is the only place I can truly be myself. I become so swallowed up into this place, and I tear down all the walls holding me back. I talk about love. I talk about sex. I talk about the guys who have made me, and destroyed me. I think the most destructive, unhealthy thing in my life is my love of guys. I get so attached. I do things out of how I feel, and what I want. I never think about the long run, or how something will affect me later. I only think about right then, right now. I have feelings for everyone I let have me. I don’t just hook up with guys because I’m horny or I haven’t had sex in a while. I could go without that forever. I do these things because I want us to be together later. I give them something they want that night so that later on, we can be together. It never really ends up that way though, sadly. Guys leave, they lie, they manipulate. I let them. It’s my own damn fault. I just can’t help it. I have so much love in my body, and so much to offer. I always want to offer everything to a guy right then and there. That’s the thing with guys though. If you give them what they want, they won’t want you, no matter how amazing it is. They will chase you, and chase you, and chase you forever if they really want you. They will be with you if they really want to be. That’s what I don’t understand. I feel like I have to make them want me. I just wish the right guy would come along. They say, stop wasting your time on people who don’t love you. That’s hard though… because I love them. I don’t love all of them, but I am completely attached to every single one of them. I can’t believe how many mistakes I’ve made, but at the end of the day, I can’t say I regret any of it. It just hurts to think back and wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t put my whole self out there. That’s me, and that has made me who I am. I have been so hurt, but pain is a thing we attach ourselves to because pain is always there, it will never leave, and just like every other thing that we love, it hurts us.

I hope that me not trying to talk to you makes you feel like I’m done. I’m not, but I want you to think I am. It’s as simple as that. I see these things you post, saying that “the more I try to forget you, the more I realize that nobody can compare to you” and I know they aren’t about me. It kills me. We’re all stuck in the past. I’m stuck on you, and you’re stuck on them. You’re stuck on those girls. I am so much better than those girls. They make you chase them, and they obviously do it well. I wish you chased me like you chase them. I wish I could let you go and I wish I could leave this in the past, but I feel like I just can’t. I’m chasing after changing you. You’ll never be changed. You lie to me, you manipulate me, but I let you. I hand you my heart so easily, all you have to do is ask. If you asked right now, I’d give it up. I’d do anything for you.

I don’t know baby. You have hurt me so much. Why don’t you see everything I could offer you? I just miss having someone chase me. I want you to chase after me. I could give you everything you could ever ask for baby. I wish I could call you my baby. I wish you could pick me up in your truck, kiss me, and hold my hand as we drove around. Our relationship would never be 100% comfortable, and I would love that. There would always be some chase there. There’d be some desire, passion, and some fucking lust. Maybe there would be nothing. But maybe, just maybe, we could have something one day. I want you. I want you so badly.

I crave the feeling of your body. One scene of us that night constantly pops into my head. I think about it all the time. Give it to me again baby.

You had the room black with only a few candles lit. The smell of the candles and the faint flicker of the flames out of the corner of my eye; it was so romantic. We hardly spoke. For once, when you tried to grab me, I let you. I let you slowly strip my clothes off as our lips gently touched. Your eyes were so bare, I didn’t know what was going on in your head. All I knew was that I was yours for those few moments, and I knew what was going to happen that night. I was going to give in to you finally. I wasn’t going to say no. I was going to let you in. Little did you know, I was finally going to give into myself. I watched the dim light reflect across your chest, and I was so ready to show you all I had. You felt my body in a way I can’t remember. It wasn’t romantic. It was lustful. It was dirty. I felt like a bad, naughty girl, and you made me feel sexy. As you came into me from behind, I clenched the sheets in my hands, biting my lip and letting my eyes close. The way you felt was unbelievable. I let you feel like you were in charge for a while, but then I put you in your place. You laid on the floor, and I soaked your thick, irresistible cock with my wet, soft mouth. I straddled you and slid your cock inside of me once more. It got hot. I was wet. You were impressed. The way I rode you I could tell you have never been rode before. The look on your face, the sounds you made, I knew you had never experienced a woman who could handle your body so well. The thickness of your cock made me squirt uncontrollably. I knew what I was doing with your body. The feeling of you inside of me was insane, and I had to let you take over. You laid me down with such ease, so gently, but you were so excited to slip back inside. We both knew what was about to happen. It must have been an in the moment decision because I let you take your condom off and go inside me bare. The feeling of you inside me now was so unrestricted. It was real. I swallowed all of it, and it tasted so amazing. I could taste myself on you, and you kissed me. I hate the way you kiss me after I swallow your cum. It’s almost as if you are disgusted by it, like you think it’s going to get on you. I promise baby, it’s all down my throat. I hate those kisses, but I crave them. We laid down together completely naked for the first time. We began to talk, and I cried. I knew we would only have a few moments together because you always make me leave. I lay there with you holding onto your body so tightly. I wanted to keep crying. I knew this was it, but I also knew that after this night, you would never forget our sex. I finally gave you something you had been wanting. I gave it to you with no hesitation at all. It was yours to keep forever. I hoped it would somehow make you feel some attachment toward me, but it didn’t. But I forever know that you will think about it, you will remember it, and you will want it again. I’m going to say no, but I can only say no so many times before I say yes to myself. A chemical is released into women when they have sex that makes them attached to that person for the rest of their lives. I’ll never forget you. I allowed you to destroy me a little more. You are a part of me forever.